Misfiring Mind

So here's the thing.

The fact that I was distracted from my thesis on Sunday morning was sort of funny. After all, I had until Monday to email it to my advisor.

And okay, maybe I didn't get anything done on it the rest of the day, but I had stuff to do. But since I only work until 12:30 on Mondays, I'd have plenty of time to bring together all of my research and reword all of my ideas to sound academic rather than the ramblings of a massively disordered mind.

Fast forward to Monday: I'm out of work and home by 1. I have every intention of powering my way through several hours' worth of writing, and am convinced that I can email a draft to my advisor by the evening.

Once again: Hey look, an internet.

By the time Jay gets home at 6 pm, I've accomplished absolutely nothing. I maintain my delusion that I'll be able to send my advisor SOMETHING. Monday doesn't end until midnight, right?

As of 12:30, I've spent about 10 solid hours on the computer, and poor Jay has been mostly ignored the entire night. I decamped to my bed around 11, convincing myself that if I was at least in the same room as Jay, I'd get something accomplished. I didn't.

Between 12:30 and 1:15 am, I managed to tap into my hyper-focus ability and write another two pages. I could've just emailed it to my advisor then, but no. I decided I'd wake up super-early and bang out another few pages before I sent it.

I failed at super-early, unsurprisingly. I dragged my ass out of bed around 9. I sent the draft at 10:19 am, having added another paragraph and a half. And I only managed that after I had a friend give me an emergency pep-talk.

I have absolutely no idea what I've done with the past 2 1/2 hours, but it wasn't my thesis. Somewhere in there I screwed around on Twitter for a bit and played a few games of mah jong. I think I managed about 20 minutes on the presentation I have to give at 4. And no, I'm not prepared for that either.

It's really hard not to be self-loathing at times like this. I'm supposed to be an adult, supposed to be able to get shit done without getting distracted by EVERYTHING.

It's now 11:46 and I still have to shower before getting to that 1:00 meeting. It's pretty much a foregone conclusion that I'll be late. Somehow, I don't think she'll be surprised.

ADHD vs. Thesis

At some point, I'll be making a post about ADHD vs. Grad School, but for now, here's a snippet:

Scene: 12:30 pm, Sunday "morning"

ME: Hey, I'm awake! And my advisor wants me to submit part of my thesis today or tomorrow so she can read it before our meeting on Tuesday. I should probably have something to submit.

*gives warm, cuddly husband an extra hug and dutifully climbs out of bed*

I'm up and dressed. Go me! Oh, better take that Adderall if I want to get any work done...

*gulp*

*sits down purposefully, ready to launch into super-effective writing mode*

ADHD: Wait, wait, wait! You can't possibly get right down to work without setting up everything perfectly!

ME: Excellent point. Let's set up the computer and organize the 72 books I'll need to consult.

ADHD: Brilliant plan. Oh hey, look! An internet!

10 minutes later

ME: Well, shit. I'm supposed to be working, aren't I? I should close all these tabs...

ADHD: ARE YOU CRAZY? If you close the tabs, we'll NEVER FIND THEM AGAIN!

ME: You're absolutely right. I'm sure if I just minimize the window, I can work without letting the tantalizing interwebs distract me.

ADHD: *nods sagely*

ME: So, I think an excellent goal for today would be to make a comprehensive outline, discussing where I would like each section to go. That way my advisor will see that I have an over-arching plan and that I'm not just writing about random crap that interests me. Then I can insert the bits I've written already, so she'll see that I've actually done shit.

ADHD: Hold on, before you can do that, you should make an outline.

ME: An outline for my outline?

ADHD: Duh!

ME: You make a compelling argument.

*writes out mini-outline and feels accomplished*

Clearly, this calls for a celebratory 10 minutes of internet time!

ADHD: Huzzah!

ME: But since I'm being all organized and driven today, I'm going to set a timer so I don't spend too much time.

timer goes off

ADHD: You know, the funny things about timers is how easy they are to turn off.

ME: Yeah, next time I should put the timer out of reach.

ADHD: Good plan. But since we've already silenced that pesky ringing, we might as well finish this story we're reading.

ME: ...OK. But that's it!

*finishes story*

ADHD: I have to go to the bathroom.

ME: No, you don't; we just went a little while ago!

ADHD: FINE, you got me. Hey, our nails are a mess. We should file them.

ME: Dude, they're not that bad -- oh, wait. That one's actually sort of sharpish, isn't it?

*fetches manicure kit*

*glances at clock*

Wait, how the fuck is it 2 pm? I haven't accomplished anything!

ADHD: Except the awesome outline-for-the-outline! Don't forget that!

ME: I begin to suspect that was less of an accomplishment than you originally led me to believe.

ADHD: Possibly. You know what you should do? Write a blog post about how distracting I am!

J: *stumbles sleepily into the room* What are you doing?

ME: (sheepishly) Writing a blog post about how ADHD is distracting me from doing work on my thesis.

J: *meaningful glance*

ME: I KNOW! SHUT UP!

ADHD: *giggles quietly to itself*